To Honor Vows Comes with Cost

[hesperussword]

Lucifer had to encourage the angel, as a duty and a brother. The way he had been pacing, sometimes literally, over one event to the point of agitating those around him was getting too much. Eventually the king made the request and Beelzebub complied, leaving Galahad early in the morning. Lucifer hadn't mentioned the purpose for fear of the war angel refusing, balking against the request. Not many openly challenged Lucifer and even fewer rebelled against him. One angel had, this one. However, help was needed and Lucifer knew why. He had traveled the same path at the Winter Solstice, a choice not lightly taken. This morning he shifted again to that feminine form, a support to her brother who was going to have a more difficult trial ahead of him.

There were so many things going on that Beelzebub entered the villa without truly knowing the reasoning for the summons. “King?”

Lucifer turned and the angel laughed as he corrected. “Queen?”

Her smile was bright and summery. Though Lucifer spent little time as a feminine angel he did find the bond to his creative forces easier to reconnect with in this guise. That wasn't the point at the moment though. “I have some important things to talk to you about.”

War cringed internally. Usually with Lucifer, important meant God was behaving badly or enacting some terror. He didn't respond, only waited with a raised and curious brow.

“First.” She approached her brother and gave him a hug that he warmly reciprocated before parting to a respectful distance. “I wanted to speak to you about your trip to Camelot. I trust you to be my voice there, but that is a secondary concern. Be sure to tell the King that your family and ruler has given their blessing for the union and will attend any functions or negotiations needed for cultural respect.”

Beelzebub's jaw dropped open in surprise. Out of all the things he imagined Lucifer calling him for, this was not even on the list. Though, his brother did have an inherent nature of knowing about everything, even those things rarely spoke of in public.

“That does bring us to another matter.” Lucifer's expression turned sly. “A dress will look like a disaster on this body.”

The angel's eyes widened and then he laughed with deep jovial relief. Why he had tension building was a mystery but his shoulders sagged with the exhaled breath.

“Have you had any success?” Lucifer busied herself pouring them both a drink.

“What do you think?” Sarcasm blossomed in Beelzebub's voice. “Belial is more of a girl than I am.”

Lucifer had a good laugh and offered her brother the wine glass. “I dare you to say that to him with a straight face.” She watches her brother down the glass of wine like it is water. It is easy to tell he is stressed over the situation. “I know this is important to you and I know how difficult it is to start the process. May I help you with it?”

“I can't find her. I've tried.” War complained.

“You have given up?” It was a directed prod at her brother. Giving up was not in his language and it was the perfect way to reinvigorate his confidence.

“No!” Beelzebub gave her a stern look.

“It will be easier in Chaos, within the rooms where I first changed.” Lucifer reassured as the other angel nodded. “This place does make the change more difficult, even for me.”

It was a short flight, a blink of an eye for an angel, to alight in the rooms. They were known, a safe space.

“Come sit with me.” Lucifer took her brother's hand pulling him toward the couch of carved stone. The king offered her brother a drink, more comfort to easy in the calm. There they sat in silence before Beelzebub spoke.

“How do I do this?”

She stroked Beelzebub's hair brushing the wild parts into thick strands. “I do not know what she will look like. Perhaps it would be best to undress. I have the armorers on call to make something suitable after the transformation, while you rest.”

He was out of his clothing before she could finish the sentence. Girlish giggles following at his eagerness to be free of clothing. Beelzebub attentively waited for more instructions.

“You must bring to mind what you believe feminine. It can help to focus on someone you see as very female and start with their traits.” She was patient with her brother. Even in heaven when the angels were all androgynous, or nearly so, Beelzebub was more masculine. The transition would be a rough one.

“Kind, compassionate, gentle, understanding...” He started to speak the traits to his sister. “I don't think I have those.”

Again the seraphim began to laugh as a loving hand rested on her brother's forearm. “I have seen how you look at your knight. Those traits are there in your eyes. Think about them and search for them in yourself. Those will be the tethers you use to bring her to into the open.”

The warlord grumbled his agreement. Brows knitted in intense concentration as Beelzebub stared blankly at the embroidered trim of Lucifer's dress. “I can't.” He spat the words out with frustration nearly a half hour had passed.

“You can.” She took his hand in hers and then pressed the palm to her chest. “Listen to me and let what I am guide you.”

Lucifer opened her essence to give her brother an anchor point for his own connections. The first signs started immediately. Wings clamped to War's back from the way his own essence resisted. Then he pitched forward into Lucifer's arms. Beelzebub grasped at the fabric of her gown, teeth grinding against the pain and accompanying tears. Hair began to length and lighten in color from sandy brown to straw golden. The grinding turned to screams when Lucifer felt shape of his physical form shifting. The shape changes were fluid enough but the cries indicated that his path was not a clear one. All the elder angel could do was watch in as featured softened, but not too much, until the cries died away to sobs.

“It is over.” She stroked Beelzebub's shoulders and pulled her closer. “Rest. You have won the battle.”

Words of encouragement whispered until the archangel slept. Lucifer did not move though she busied herself in giving out instructions to the armorers. While a dress would be more appropriate, these first few moments needed some recognition of the past self. Clothing was one method.

The exhaustion was deep and the archangel's presence flickered beneath, dull and quiet. When the royal armorers came they helps Lucifer dress her warlord. Boots similar to the ones she wore as a male, leather kilt and a strapped leather top made of furs. Beelzebub was going to hate it, but this was a necessary evil. In order to go to Camelot there would need to be even more clothing. It was better to get her accustom to it from the beginning. The last piece was a modified sword harness to accommodate her feminine body. His usual cross strapping was certainly not going to work with breasts, even if they were on the smaller side of average.

She was dressed and still sleeping when Lucifer's mind turned to how to help her when she woke from the rest. When he first pulled his female form in winter it had left her exhausted for days. This trial was more difficult. Beelzebub may sleep for hours. Her thoughts turned to the one person best suited for her to wake up near, the one person not in Chaos. Gathering her sister in arms she took to the sky, flying easily back to the villa. Gently she placed Beelzebub in the chambers they chose to stay in when they were last at the villa. Gentle as a mother, she folded her sister's wings comfortably and brushed the, now, even wilder hair out of her face. A pitcher of wine at the bedside she went to her PINpoint to send a brief text to Galahad.

When you have a moment, can you meet me at the villa. I need to speak with you.

Then she went back to watch over her sister, just in case she woke early. War's constitution was incredible, she might wake before the knight arrived. However, Lucifer would be there to greet Galahad in the foyer regardless of the her wakefulness.

Comments

[knightgallant]

It's odd, to know Beelzebub so well that even when the angel is in a different body, Galahad can read her uncertainty and discomfort easily enough. Earlier in their relationship the knight might have tried to deny both of their reactions to himself in the hope that the feelings would simply go away. But after enough time with Beelzebub and being twice forgiven (or more -- it sometimes feels like he's been forgiven and understood so many times over) for his stumblings in their relationship when he tried to shrug off or push away difficult emotions, he doesn't want to give conflict the same quarter to become worse in self-imposed silence. He's learned well enough by now that letting conflict go unaddressed between them only deepens it and makes it worse.

The knight takes Beelzebub's hands gently in his own two and holds her with his gaze.

"This is different for both of us, aye? It's... confusing. I don't have the words to say why, but there's-- something," Galahad admits, his gaze dropping momentarily. "Can we be generous with one another and take our time with coming together again?" He touches the angel's shoulder gently, hoping beyond hope that these words will be enough. The last thing he wants is for him to make Beelzebub feel unloved. "I promise that I'll be with you each step of the way, if you want."

[hesperussword]

Beelzebub listens and instantly feels rejected, or at the very least shoved to arms length. There's a storminess that comes into her presence with that line of thought. It feels isolating.

"If I want?" Beelzebub looks up at Galahad like he's lost his mind. She sighs and shakes her head at the words. There's no way to fight back the impersonal feeling of being touched on the shoulder instead of embraced. "Why are you touching me like I'm a stranger?"

It's the best way Beelzebub can express the distance she's feeling, the push back to stand at arms length. It's angelic instinct that pulls her wings in around her own body. There's anger boiling into her feelings but she bites it back. In Galahad's words she perceives a very real sense that what he's really saying is she is going to have to navigate this alone while he stands at arms length deciding what to do with her.

[knightgallant]

...Oh. Suddenly this is going very badly despite his best intentions. There's a brief flare of panic in the face of not knowing what to do, but the knight clamps down on it and works to master himself.

"I'm not," Galahad insists, trying to keep a hold of whatever part of the angel she'll allow him to touch with her wings coming in protectively around her. "I love you." His fingers brush feathers, and he grips at them gently as the guilt goes from weighty to crushing. "Please, don't pull away."

[hesperussword]

Clearly the temper has come with the rest of the personality and it's getting the better of her even if she doesn't want it to gain control.

"You won't even kiss me without pulling away." The accusation is sharp as a razor but also clearly filled with pain and fear. Beelzebub isn't good with expressing fear but that's more of what she's feeling than anything else. What she's feeling is the contrast between now and the usual passionate, warmth between them when they lay in bed. Her own discomfort magnifying the desire for that kind of connection. She pulls her hands away, covering her face and just starts crying. Beelzebub doesn't know how to come to terms with what she's feeling about herself, about Galahad. It just hurts and she's exhausted despite saying otherwise.

[knightgallant]

"I'm confused, cariad. You sound like you, you are you, but I'm not-- you look and feel different." He desperately wants to not be hurtful, but more than that, he's trying to be honest. Neither of them are used to Beelzebub's new form yet, but Galahad wants to try to be. Particularly with how scared and angry he can tell the angel is in feeling like she's been turned away from him. "It's only been minutes since you woke up. Are you not feeling disoriented, too?"

After a breath, he reaches for the angel again to try and hold her gently if she'll let him. The chasm of discomfort forming between them is infinitely worse than any feelings of confusion or physical distance from the transformation. "Please," he implores quietly. "Let me try again."

[hesperussword]

There might be answers to some of those questions, comments on how off she feels, but the stress is pushing away possible responses. This was one of the fears Lucifer mentioned; a fear that a female body would be rejected. However, her sister had encouraged her with words that Balthazar had quickly come around. She'd hoped her own partner would see her the same, accept her easily. Her heart starts pounding as she remembers conversations about how Galahad would have to take a wife, how little he wanted to do with the idea of having one outside of a duty to country. It furthers the idea of being unwanted in this form.

A false expectation was there too. One that Galahad would be accepting and help her accept how she was going to have to live for many years to come. Of course she was uncomfortable and disoriented, but it was this or something absolutely unacceptable so Beelzebub just forged ahead. Her wings open just enough to allow the angel to melt into Galahad's chest. She clings to him, grabbing the back of his shirt as she holds on. Beelzebub is definitely not ok but trying. She tries to swallow the tears and force them to stop.

[knightgallant]

In the silent space between the angel's wings opening and her folding against him, Galahad can feel his heart breaking in his chest at the sensation of hot tears pattering against his neck. He firms his hold on the angel automatically, squeezing her tightly as he buries his face into the warmth of the hair cascading down beside one of her ears as he seeks to comfort her.

"I love you," he says again softly, sincerely. Despite the weightiness of hearing the angel cry against him, there are shreds of light and comfort in being allowed to hold her again. The distance between them not being total feels like hope. It feels like there are twenty things he might try to say, or promise in this moment to try and start repairing things between them, but for the time being the knight decides to simply hold his lover and let her cry for however long she needs to.

[hesperussword]

The fear abates slowly as Galahad pulls her closer. Reflexively, she kisses his chest but focuses more on regaining control.

"I love you." Beelzebub is slowly coming around. The tears getting under control, turning to shoulder quaking stifled sobs. She needs this more than she might know or admit. Though the hug remains tight, she lets go of the fists full of shirts. A little longer in the quiet lets the sobbing subside as she clings to her knight.

Her mind recalls some of the questions Galahad asked before the crying started. When she speaks it's a little broken from the previous sobbing. "I am disoriented, about everything except you."

Even walking felt like it would be strange. Just moving in the bed feels wrong in some way. Galahad though that was the same. Even as their bodies fit together differently, it somehow didn't feel as off as everything else. To the angel, it was different but the sense of rightness with Galahad was one place where the uncertainty didn't exist.

She tilts her head to look up at him, eyes red from crying. "My body's different but you still feel like where I belong."

[knightgallant]

There's some relief as Beelzebub's shaking sobs quiet into softer ones, and then begin to subside. He's only known the angel to cry once during all of their months together, and to hear and feel Beelzebub react like this is painful to the point where it almost feels difficult to breathe. Galahad's eyes slip closed as he holds her and tries to collect his thoughts, and then open again when Beelzebub starts to move away from him to meet his gaze.

"We do belong together. We always will, cariad. We're going to be married and spend the whole of my life together." The knight looks down into her face, trying for a small smile as he gingerly rubs at the tears running down the angel's cheeks with his thumbs. Even as he does, it's impossible to miss her deep black eyes --like looking into cloudy sky at night, the way it always does when he peers into them-- and how familiar they are. The sight makes his chest clench again (this time in a good way) and the knight leans in after a moment, pressing a kiss to the angel's forehead first, and then another to her lips. "I will always be with you no matter what. Even if you had no form at all and I couldn't even hold you like this. It's not your body that I fell in love with."

[hesperussword]

She smiles faintly as she starts to feel better. "That's why I changed, so we can be together."

It's the honest answer. He wouldn't have become a woman if it wasn't something so dire as losing happiness. She's not bitter about it. This was a choice, one she would gladly make again. However, it's harder to adjust to than she expected. She leans into the kiss and the smile brightens. Some of the upset was panic and this is easing the feelings. "When I have no form, I can still hold you."

The mischief is slowly creeping back into her smile. She is tired and stressed but hearing the love pushes the fear away. She squeezes Galahad and then lightens her hold. "I love everything about you, Gerval."

[knightgallant]

Those words encourage the start of a smile back to the knight's face, but it's seeing Beelzebub smile too that brings his brightness the rest of the way back. Galahad wraps his arms around the angel again, and leans in to press their foreheads together out of a desire for further closeness.

"I know," he acknowledges, threading fingers gently into some of Beelzebub's soft down. The sensation is as enormously comforting as it always is, and it draws a sigh from Galahad. "This is something I'll never be able to repay." Even if he did have more than one lifetime to spend at Beelzebub's side. "I know you wouldn't ask me to, but I understand... this. What you've done and what it means. I think, given enough time, we can make what you've done for us our miracle." One that will allow them to stay together despite the restrictions of his world.

[hesperussword]

She sighs at the touch to her wings and opens one, flopping it across Galahad like a blanket. Then she's shaking her head. "You don't have to repay anything for this. You don't owe me anything."

She's a little pushy with her words because it feels wrong to hear them. Galahad shouldn't feel indebted to her, not for something done willingly. However, it's the rest of his words that get another bright laugh. "One miracle at a time. We still have to get the Christians in the castle to accept a fallen angel as their princess." She's jovial and poking fun at their troubles, as usual when the mood is lighter. "My sister, Lucifer, has me thinking about things later on because he's been staying female a lot lately."

[knightgallant]

The flop of Beelzebub's wing makes him laugh a little, and Galahad curls closer to the angel as things slowly return to something like normalcy (or as much as they can have right now, with Beelzebub's change being so new) between them.

"I think there's a chance they might understand if we only explained what happened to you and the rest of the Fallen. Arthur and my brothers are understanding men. If they knew you were only trying to live your lives like any of the people in Arthur's keep or castle town... I think they would sympathize."

[hesperussword]

Her wing tucks in around the knight, pulling him closer. "I'm only there to commandeer their prince."

She presses in closer and finally feels less awkward in the changes to how their bodies come to rest. If Beelzebub had little shame about nakedness as a male, the same was in her mind as a female. Pausing in the cuddling, she looks up at him to ask something obvious, or obvious to her as she works out what the new body feels like. "Are you going to be uncomfortable seeing me shirtless?"

She has to ask because angels didn't have the same ideas and she's really not sure their view on female bodies though he had learned about male ones.

[knightgallant]

That earns another chuckle. "But it would be worth letting them get to know you. There may be less uncertainty or fear of you and what you are if we do." Because he knows there are bound to be people awed by being in the presence of angels.

"I don't know," he admits after a moment. "The only woman I've seen bared before is my mother, and that was when I was a child." A beat, and he stops to watch Beelzebub, confused. "Are you-- thinking about taking your clothes off now?" He can't imagine why the angel might, but then in the past Beelzebub has shown more than a little disdain for clothing in all circumstances, so it seems like this may be more of the same.

[hesperussword]

"I will." She smirks. "I look forward to meeting your people."

Though the response is odd to Beelzebub, it makes sense for what she knows of Galahad's culture. "No, but the shirt is irritating."

Truth is anything probably will be. Beelzebub is not used to wearing anything except sword straps on their chest. Shirts are going to take some getting used to. Though there was a legitimate reason for the question. "Lucifer says I should try to work up to staying this way for a few days at a time. I wanted to sleep without the shirt. It bothers me."

Maybe it would bother her less in the future but right now.. it might as well be a lice infested hair shirt for how it felt on her skin in the places that it pulled tight. It was only made worse by not being used to breasts, though hers are not overly large.

[knightgallant]

"I think it would be good to start off by sleeping in something loose, but that covers you," Galahad suggests. "I know you don't like clothes, but-- there's a reason why humans in the Nexus don't mind when you walk around without a shirt as a man. The chest is not as sacred of a place for a man as it is for a woman."

A pause follows those words, and then Galahad clasps his hands in his lap, fidgeting a little. "And I think, too, that it would be right that I try to treat you as a lady. How my people would expect me to do so, as part of the knight's chivalrous code."

[hesperussword]

She listens but her expression slowly becomes confused. "I don't understand associating shame with sacred." However, her own thoughts catch up to circumstances and she nestles into him again. "I don't feel differently about my bodies."

It was true for his animal bodies, and now he was finding it to be true about the human ones too. The discomfort wasn't about the body itself but getting used to the feel of it, seeing that Galahad accepted it, and just learning to function generally in a different shape.

"What's expected of the knight code?" Beelzebub asks; both out of curiosity and the conversation seems to be calming both of them down.

[knightgallant]

"It's not about shame. It's about making something precious. If only one person gets to see a part of you, it makes that part special for you and that person who sees it." Galahad reaches to gently stroke the wing draped over him. "Some cultures may see it as shame, but that's my perspective on it. I would rather parts of your male body be bared only between us, too, the same way I would only share parts of my body with you." Galahad won't insist upon it or do anything to curtail the angel's freedom, but it is something of a romantic fantasy for him that they would only share some things with each other and no others.

"Women are to be cherished under the knight's code, as peoples who can't protect themselves as well as some men can. I know that's not-- true for you, but I'd want to treat you with respect and the deference that a woman should be. In public, at least. There are also ways that knights are meant to court ladies, although as two people already betrothed, we won't have to worry about that as much."

[hesperussword]

"It is the Christian God who labels nudity shameful." Beelzebub doesn't follow his line of thinking at all. She tries and then just sighs. "It is unnatural to us. We were born without clothing. There's beauty to the form that we see no reason to hide though we do for convenience." Her brows knit up and she cocks her head. "You describe nudity the way others describe monogamous sex."

It wasn't judgement but something she noticed and a big difference between angels and humans perhaps. It truly made some things make sense in ways she hadn't put together before. Eventually, she giggles. "You know, our council meetings are often done with little, or no, clothing. It's what seems right."

As Galahad goes on she focuses, taking in what he's saying because it will be important. While Beelzebub wants nothing to do with many of the things the knight mentions, he's willing to enact many of them for his lover's honor.

"I think I'm going to make a bad courtly lady." She points out with eyes bright with humor. Maybe she should take Lucifer up on the offer to at least try and be lady-like, maybe?

[knightgallant]

"I know these customs are different from yours and conflict with the way you're used to living," he explains. He doesn't expect Beelzebub to respect Christian customs, but as a practical matter Galahad hopes he'll recognize the need for them in Arthur's court. "There's... not a lot I am able to do about that. I would never want to change how you're comfortable living, but it will create problems in Camelot if both of us don't try to observe tradition when in court."

He smiles slightly at Beelzebub's joke, and looks down at his hands again. Yes, he knows that this is going to be a struggle for both of them. But it's worth it. "Some things are forgivable. Arthur also trusts my word. I truly don't think it will be an issue as long as the most important customs are respected."

[hesperussword]

Beelzebub is at least listening and trying to absorb what it will mean to her. She takes one of Galahad's hands and holds it tight as a bit of reassurance. She might joke about this sometimes and be stuck in her ways, but if there were things that would damage Galahad's status she would swallow her pride.

"What are the most important customs?"

[knightgallant]

"I know this is difficult and strange, and that you've already gone above and beyond what many people would, if they were able to," the knight acknowledges, squeezing the angel's hand back.

"They are those we've talked about a few times before: being covered in public, respecting Arthur's position... Keeping private intimacy out of the court." He doesn't think Beelzebub would do anything that would endanger that, but the angel asked about the most important customs of Arthur's court and the knight wants to be thorough.

[hesperussword]

She leans her cheek against the hand she's holding. She nods against it while thinking. After a long moment of silence, Beelzebub swallows her pride and asks. "What else would you have me do?"

It feels so unnatural but it is necessary. She knows she's going to have to learn otherwise. Her own King... or Queen, valued someone who would go toe to toe with them and that was one of many things she would have to hold back in the presence of the rest of Galahad's people.

[knightgallant]

"That is most of what will be expected," Galahad explains calmly. Truthfully, what he knows about the responsibilities a queen might have comes to him from what he's seen Gwenhwyfar doing around the keep. He expects that there's more he doesn't know about. It's something he resolves to ask Arthur about the next time he returns to Camelot. "Women usually keep up the household and arrange ceremonies, but as queen you will have many women to assist with such things and take them over if you aren't interested in those kinds of duties."

A beat. "Most of what the queen is expected to do is... bear children." The knight can't really help the flush that rises to his cheeks as the conversation turns in this particular direction. "Sons are most valued by my people."